I adore my church. It’s my family. They work so hard to love people well and to ensure that people feel welcomed. But as Mother’s Day approaches once again, I am reminded of a glaring blind spot in that well-intentioned desire.
My husband and I have chosen to be childfree since we got engaged. We talked about potentially having kids five or ten years down the line when we were dating, but as we got closer to marriage we both realized that neither of us had the desire to bear or raise children.
Although we haven’t told everyone in our church, simply because not everyone has asked, most know about our lack of desire for children and, especially those closest to us, understand it and see that we utilize the energy we would be using to raise children to serve others in our church and our community.
Our church is full of people who don’t fit the average American household. We have singles over 30, foster families, families grown strictly by adoption, families with both adopted and biological children, divorced families, and remarried families. I know that our church leaders try to make sure every family is included. But sometimes, that intention of inclusion is what makes us feel so apart.
Ever since my first married Mother’s Day, I felt out of place. At that point in life I already knew it was a title I never wanted for myself. I love mentoring young girls, and as I get older, young women, but I never saw myself as a mom, in any capacity.
That first Mother’s Day, I tried to do what made the most since to me: remove myself from the celebration. This was a celebration for those who longed to be called Mom but hadn’t gotten the chance yet, those who became mothers and felt overwhelmed and under thanked, those who jumped head-first into motherhood and loved every minute of it, and those who had taken on the role of mother to children that aren’t their own.
I had purposefully extricated myself from that role. So I sat, as all the mothers and those who desired to be mothers stood around me to receive their small token of appreciation. Then I was forced to stand. It was certainly well-meant–it was a woman who saw me removing myself and surely thought I deserved to be standing. So I stood, awkward and feeling more singled out by standing.
I never feel less respected for my choice to remain childfree than on Mother’s Day. The day where everyone tries to see everyone as a mother, so no one is left out. And I want every woman who desires to be a mother to be honored. They should be. This is a day to celebrate them! But I also want to be respected for my choice to never take that title. I want to be allowed to be left out. I want to be allowed to sit and celebrate others rather than be forced to celebrate myself in a capacity I have chosen to never take on.
I spent the last Mother’s Day at my church hiding in the women’s bathroom waiting for that portion of the day to be over. This year, I’m not even going to church on Mother’s Day. Our church does a wonderful job loving people. But this is a day when the misfits become the trodden on.
I ask for one simple change. Allow those of us who have no desire for motherhood to remove ourselves and let the spotlight shine on those who truly desire motherhood.
I struggled with Mother’s Day in the past. It took us 13 years to have our son and that day made the longing worse. I don’t know what the solution is as we should honor moms and daughters. But I know the pain, too.
Thank you for your vulnerability! It’s tricky to love on everyone for events such as Mother’s Day. I love celebrating the women in my life that want to be mothers. I just want the chance to celebrate them and not be asked to be celebrated as well.
Thanks for sharing your heart. Praying you feel free indeed this weekend! ❤️
Thank you so much!
Well put Amanda, I applaud your honesty and openness. Hope you have a lovely weekend!
Thank you very much!
Love you Amanda!! Thanks for sharing. You’re a wonderful leader and mentor to women, it’s good to see that role being separate from mothering. Thanks for blessing others (myself) with your extra time- you do so much to bless others!! Thank you
Thank you! That is so sweet and wonderful to hear!
Amanda, thank you for being vulnerable and honest. This is so well-written! My heart hurts to know that you and others at church who God has not called into motherhood are feeling hurt and isolated. That’s definitely not the intention of the celebration on that day, but viewing it through your eyes… I can understand how that would feel. I’m sorry that you feel that way. Thanks for shedding light on this and helping all of us be more aware of people in our church! You and Hoss are dear friends and we have so appreciated the many ways you’ve gone outside your comfort zones to love on our family and kids ❤️ I hope that we can love you better!
Thank you for your kind words! I know that no one means to isolate me or others like me. Part of it is that we’re a very tiny minority and not seen often because of that. I want mothers and those who desire to be mothers to be celebrated, but when I’m forced into that box of “mom” I feel like it takes away from them. Thank you for seeing us!
Well I’m so glad to see you’ve started a blog! I look forward to reading more of your work! I think it would be weird not to celebrate mothers on Mother’s Day because moms deserve it (and I’m thinking more of my mom and MIL than myself) and it always touches me. But I also think it’s weird to have all women stand if it makes them feel awkward or marginalized, especially to the point of feeling like they don’t want to attend that day. Not sure what the answer would be but I definitely appreciate your perspective. You too have a crucial place at church and I’m glad my kids have been able to experience your leadership.
Thank you! I want mothers and those who desire to be mothers to be celebrated, but when I’m forced into that box of “mom” I feel like it takes away from them. I don’t know if there’s an easy answer, but being seen is an important step!
Well said my childfree friend.
Thank you!
Amanda I never knew! Thanks for opening my eyes!
Thank you for seeing and hearing!
Brilliantly written and stated! I know there is many people reading this who want to fix all, and tell you how you could look at it differently, or deal with it all differently and make the day – Happy ever after for you. What you are doing wrong viewing the day as such. Reading your point however, you have given a great service of consideration to a group of women who should be allowed to come through a day as they see fitting. NO – you deserve it! In taking for your own choice of your placement in the day – I see clearly you mean to not take away from all the other Mother’s Day placements, and BLESS YOU! Can’t wait to read more of your blog! THANK YOU FOR SHARING!
Thank you so much! This is so good to hear.
Your words are beautiful and so authentic! This weekend I will be praying for you to experience freedom, peace and the steadfast love of the Lord. Thank you for sharing your best friend!
Thank you! Just getting to share freely has brought a lot of peace. It always felt like I was hiding part of myself even though I wasn’t doing it purposefully.